Adam Lambert
My Opinion: I was working in a swanky LA nightclub as a busboy when I first met Adam Lambert. It was the night of the American Music Awards. He threw the door open with strength uncharacteristic of someone with his slender and delicate frame. He was glistening with sweat; evidently jamming your crotch into your backup dancers’ faces is quite the workout.
The entire room hushed when he entered. He had a sort of animal magnetism that was accentuated by his heavy use of manliner and midnight nail polish. He was defiantly clad in a dark wool pea coat despite the fact that it was a balmy Los Angeles evening. The women swooned, not because of any sort of sexual desire, but out of sheer jealousy for how damn beautiful and expertly quaffed his hair was. The men at the bar didn’t know whether to kick his ass or buy him a drink. In what seemed like slow motion, he walked across the room and sat down at one of the tables in my area.
He ordered a steak, extra rare. I thought his request for the meat to be super bloody was odd, but I had learned a long time ago to ignore the little eccentricities of the rich and famous. I stood well away from the man, watching as he finished his meal in complete silence, waiting for my opportunity to clear his plate, and possibly slip a copy of my demo tape into his front pocket. This was LA right, that sort of shit happens all the time.
I waited for as long as possible, sweat beading up along my forehead, until I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to be discovered and Lambert was my ticket. I approached his table with my stupid little bucket and started clearing away his dishes.
“You know, I’m quite the musician myself,” I said brandishing my demo in one quaking hand.
The time was now, I had to act. I shot my hand forward, but Lambert reacted in what seemed like a microsecond. His steely fingers gripped my wrist and he sank his teeth into my knuckles, biting to the bone and sending a spray of plasma all over the walls of the club.
“Oh my God,” I screamed. “Get him offa me!”
Lambert’s entourage moved quickly and I was thrown into a burlap sack and dragged through the back door of the club. I heard car doors slamming and felt the tight enclosure of what could only be the trunk of a relatively new model Mercedes-Benz.
I awoke three days later clinging to a buoy in Long Beach harbor. I was stark naked and had no recollection of what had occurred.
As the weeks went by I tried to pull my life back together. I had several messages on my machine: one was my boss telling me I was fired for harassing the customers, the other was my girlfriend breaking up with me because she thought I was too masculine. My world was falling apart, and the worse thing was, I started to feel a little strange.
It started slow, but as the days went on, these little changes became harder and harder to ignore. Suddenly I became violently ill whenever I tried to watch football on TV. My skin didn’t seem to feel right unless I used the exact right type of moisturizer. I would wake up in the morning, look in the mirror, and stare in confusion as I looked upon my reflection. Somehow when I was sleeping I had applied liberal amounts of Crew Pomade to my hair and eyeliner to my eyes. Every morning it was the same thing! I would wipe it all off, but every morning it came back, even stronger.
And the worst thing of all: the hunger. I was constantly hungry. I went to the grocery store and ate until I should have exploded, but nothing satisfied my hunger. I knew what I needed, what I hungered for. It was meat. It was man meat.
I began locking myself in my apartment, but one night no amount of hardware could contain me. The hunger was too strong. I threw on a silk robe that my girlfriend had left behind, checked my eyeliner, dabbed on a fresh coat of Burt’s Beeswax, and ran into the streets of Los Angeles. I ran as fast as I could, I screamed at the top of my lungs at the sheer freedom I was experiencing. Of course, no one batted an eyelash. Again, this was LA.
I ran through the streets until I was exhausted. I peered at my surroundings and realized I was outside of a dueling pianos bar. Perfect. Here I would finally be able to satisfy my hunger. I crouched in the shadows until I spied my prey. He left the bar a few minutes later. He was young, possibly still in college, wearing an argyle sweater and Dockers. He stood alone on the curb looking for a cab. Now was my chance. I leaped from the shadows and attacked.
I awoke the next morning with a splitting headache and a bizarre taste in my mouth. I was happy to see that I had made it back to my own apartment, since I had no idea what had happened last night or how I had gotten back home.
I began to get out of bed but froze in terror as I saw shreds of what looked like an argyle sweater littered all over my sheets. Slowly I pulled back the covers of my bed and revealed the nightmare that was hiding there. It was the dude! He was stone cold dead and beginning to turn grey. Oddly though, he had a huge smile on his face.
“Noooo!” I screamed as I fell to my knees. “Damn you Adam Lambert! What have you done to me?!”
Abstinence
My Opinion: Hmm, let’s see if we can imagine what it would be like to live in a world completely devoid of sex.
Cigarette companies would be completely out of business – or their business might be booming seeing as how they offer an easy way to shorten your life, and after all, what is there to really live for in a world without sex. Relationships would be less tricky. There wouldn’t be that whole nasty, “sexual chemistry” thing to have to worry about. Terse and awkward small talk would become the new erotic art that showed how much a man and a woman loved each other. Relationships, of course, would eventually become obsolete all together. Men would learn that if there is no chance for intercourse, then there time is much better spent watching sports with those of the same gender. Women will learn the same thing and colonies will spring up in shopping malls and brunch cafes. There wouldn’t be any “traditional” perverts, but then again, our society would be sure to fill the gap. The new perverts would be those who took too much time waxing their cars or those who wear tight jeans. They would be ostracized and LEI would become completely bankrupt except for a thriving black market business among those purists who feel that their true personality can be only expressed through the snugness of their denim.
Of course the human race would eventually go extinct. Probably sooner than later since the massive amounts of suicide that would occur thanks to the world without sex would be off the charts. People would stop trying to achieve in their careers, since there is really no point to have money or prestige if it doesn’t get you laid. The economy would collapse and the governments (we know those horn dogs can’t function without two or three mistresses) would quickly follow in suit. Those who survive the fallout would look upon the broken world devoid of human life and think: “We can thank abstinence for this.”
My Opinion: Hmm, let’s see if we can imagine what it would be like to live in a world completely devoid of sex.
Cigarette companies would be completely out of business – or their business might be booming seeing as how they offer an easy way to shorten your life, and after all, what is there to really live for in a world without sex. Relationships would be less tricky. There wouldn’t be that whole nasty, “sexual chemistry” thing to have to worry about. Terse and awkward small talk would become the new erotic art that showed how much a man and a woman loved each other. Relationships, of course, would eventually become obsolete all together. Men would learn that if there is no chance for intercourse, then there time is much better spent watching sports with those of the same gender. Women will learn the same thing and colonies will spring up in shopping malls and brunch cafes. There wouldn’t be any “traditional” perverts, but then again, our society would be sure to fill the gap. The new perverts would be those who took too much time waxing their cars or those who wear tight jeans. They would be ostracized and LEI would become completely bankrupt except for a thriving black market business among those purists who feel that their true personality can be only expressed through the snugness of their denim.
Of course the human race would eventually go extinct. Probably sooner than later since the massive amounts of suicide that would occur thanks to the world without sex would be off the charts. People would stop trying to achieve in their careers, since there is really no point to have money or prestige if it doesn’t get you laid. The economy would collapse and the governments (we know those horn dogs can’t function without two or three mistresses) would quickly follow in suit. Those who survive the fallout would look upon the broken world devoid of human life and think: “We can thank abstinence for this.”
Arrested Development
My Opinion: One of the smartest and funniest shows that has ever been transmitted through wires and broadcast into our homes. And yet despite this, it was cancelled relatively quickly. Why is it that shows like Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, Herpes of love, and other giant pots of shit are being approved season after season?
It makes no sense to me, but it seems like the only answer is that the television watching public is losing intelligence at an astounding level. People don’t want to see artfully crafted wit and drama portrayed by trained actors anymore. They want to see some idiotic guy with a lot of muscles yell at a drunk chick who will later throw up in the hot tub.
I am not usually one of those people who believes that the end of the world is around the corner, but when I flip through some of the television channels and watch what the new role models are like, I start to get a little nervous. What kind of world will we be living in only a few years from now, when the generation of people who matured looking up to Paris Hilton and Flavor Flav are now our captains of industry and leaders of America’s infrastructure.
One day we will look back and weep for the day that good TV died, but unfortunately then it might already be too late.
My Opinion: One of the smartest and funniest shows that has ever been transmitted through wires and broadcast into our homes. And yet despite this, it was cancelled relatively quickly. Why is it that shows like Rock of Love, Flavor of Love, Herpes of love, and other giant pots of shit are being approved season after season?
It makes no sense to me, but it seems like the only answer is that the television watching public is losing intelligence at an astounding level. People don’t want to see artfully crafted wit and drama portrayed by trained actors anymore. They want to see some idiotic guy with a lot of muscles yell at a drunk chick who will later throw up in the hot tub.
I am not usually one of those people who believes that the end of the world is around the corner, but when I flip through some of the television channels and watch what the new role models are like, I start to get a little nervous. What kind of world will we be living in only a few years from now, when the generation of people who matured looking up to Paris Hilton and Flavor Flav are now our captains of industry and leaders of America’s infrastructure.
One day we will look back and weep for the day that good TV died, but unfortunately then it might already be too late.
AA – Alcoholics Anonymous.
My Opinion: A necessity for some, a pain in the ass for most. I have learned a long time ago that alcoholism is nothing to joke about – I apologize for starting my blog off with such a depressing note, but you can’t get much higher in the alphabet than AA – but someone needs to address the people who don’t suffer from alcoholism, yet through guilt or some other deceptive measure are roped into attending AA.
There are many out there with the genetic disease that forces them to drink – “The Craving,” as us Irish call it – but there are just as many out there who drink only because they like to. These are the guys and gals who get royally wasted on a Friday night because they want to forget all of the shitty things that they had to put up with during their work week. The boss was on your ass…have a cocktail. Your car broke down in the middle of a busy four-lane highway…have two cocktails. Your wife’s been busting your balls about drinking too much…just drink until you can’t hear her anymore.
The people who enjoy having a few drinks after a rough day are not the ones who would benefit from the AA system. For a person to actually change their life in AA, they have to have hit (pardon the cliché) rock bottom and they have to hit it hard. They need to brush their teeth and rinse their mouth out with vodka. They need to sweeten their coffee with vodka. They need to carry a flask of vodka in their sock to work. And for lunch, what do you think they drink? Gin. (Why gin? Because it is a delicious and refreshing afternoon beverage with the subtle hints of tropical fruits and citrus. Plus one must deviate from vodka at least once throughout the day to prevent uniformity). For those few who have long ago learned that they can’t go through life without being three sheets to the wind, AA might be right for them.
But still, AA won’t work unless the person is ready to change themselves. To those who have decided this, good for you. To those who refuse and would rather go living their lives with a martini glass in one hand and a don’t-judge-me attitude in the other, good for you too. Cheers.
My Opinion: A necessity for some, a pain in the ass for most. I have learned a long time ago that alcoholism is nothing to joke about – I apologize for starting my blog off with such a depressing note, but you can’t get much higher in the alphabet than AA – but someone needs to address the people who don’t suffer from alcoholism, yet through guilt or some other deceptive measure are roped into attending AA.
There are many out there with the genetic disease that forces them to drink – “The Craving,” as us Irish call it – but there are just as many out there who drink only because they like to. These are the guys and gals who get royally wasted on a Friday night because they want to forget all of the shitty things that they had to put up with during their work week. The boss was on your ass…have a cocktail. Your car broke down in the middle of a busy four-lane highway…have two cocktails. Your wife’s been busting your balls about drinking too much…just drink until you can’t hear her anymore.
The people who enjoy having a few drinks after a rough day are not the ones who would benefit from the AA system. For a person to actually change their life in AA, they have to have hit (pardon the cliché) rock bottom and they have to hit it hard. They need to brush their teeth and rinse their mouth out with vodka. They need to sweeten their coffee with vodka. They need to carry a flask of vodka in their sock to work. And for lunch, what do you think they drink? Gin. (Why gin? Because it is a delicious and refreshing afternoon beverage with the subtle hints of tropical fruits and citrus. Plus one must deviate from vodka at least once throughout the day to prevent uniformity). For those few who have long ago learned that they can’t go through life without being three sheets to the wind, AA might be right for them.
But still, AA won’t work unless the person is ready to change themselves. To those who have decided this, good for you. To those who refuse and would rather go living their lives with a martini glass in one hand and a don’t-judge-me attitude in the other, good for you too. Cheers.
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